A Christmas Letter ~ To My Husband

Dear Matt,

I would like to say this is a Christmas season full of joy but really, it's far from it.  You know this is my second favorite holiday (after Thanksgiving) and it has been brutal at best.  I finally got the inside of the house decorated (a half-assed job but I gave it my all) and friends, Uncle JoeJoe and Uncle Mike helped decorate the outside.  I didn't hang your stocking and every time I look at the fireplace I'm reminded of the void.

I'm tired, angry and sad...

The kids are doing pretty well.  LittleBuddy has struggled lately, getting in trouble at school and here at home.  Some things are typical 7 year old boy-issues, others not.  At times he exhausts me but that's nothing new.  I'm bound and determined to raise him up to be a good man.. God as my witness, it will happen.

SweetPea is amazing.. almost totally potty trained, completely sassy, talking up a storm, she sings, counts, dances.. She melted your heart months ago and would do it doubly now.  And oh boy, can she rock a temper fit.  But dammit, she's beautiful.

They both are.

I think the entire family's goal is to survive this season and get it far behind us.  New Years will be equally as tough, as we would snowmobile every year, but that too will pass.  I have huge hope 2012 will be better for all of us.

It has to be.

Until Next Time,

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year?

Not for everyone...

We've had a huge influx of family visiting since Thanksgiving and the distractions have been wonderful.  That being said, I still have had to lug out (and face) the Christmas decor and that has been no fun.  When I finally got the kids down for "quiet time" last Saturday, I was in the basement trying to maintain what's left of my dignity while digging through Christmas containers.  With my iPod jamming me to deafness, I was doing really well ... until I got to our stockings.  Then I fell apart... 

In a big way.

I had custom stockings made for Matt and I back in '02 and coming across them literally dropped me to my knees.  I could barely breathe my heart hurt so badly and I cried like a child.

It was August 12th all over again.

This grieving stuff completely sucks... however, it's a process I have no choice but to face.  If not now, when?  Once I regained composure and got on with the business of decking the halls it all wasn't nearly as crushing.  I'm not quite done yet but should have the house all purty-like by the weekend.  Normally I would be totally freaked out I'm so behind.  This year, not so much.

Please don't get me wrong, I love Christmas..

Just not this one.

Fall Back.. Literally..

With the holiday season looming, I've been contemplating running away until after the New Year.  Some island with sugar sand and umbrella drinks.  Okay, maybe not but (had it not been for my kiddos) I probably would have given it serious thought.  Errr, maybe.  Don't fret.. we'll survive.. we've made it this far, right?

Right.

The crazy thing about this whole grief thing is how it sneaks up on you when you least expect it.  I was worried about Halloween.. missing Matt not seeing the kids' costumes, etc.  I breezed through it, no problemo.  All the events we went to were really fun and we had a blast.  Then, I started stressing about Thanksgiving.  That's going to be a huge challenge.. but guess what got me?  The TIME CHANGE. 

Seriously.

Matt's job was to change all the time on clocks.  The ones up high, down low and everything in between.  This past weekend really threw me for a loop.. totally unexpected.  Saturday, Sunday and most of Monday was a complete blue funk.  It sucked out loud, might I add.  But it, too, has passed.

Thank God...

Pulling My Head Out..

.. of the sand ..

Why? What did you think I was going to say?

Monday's news wasn't a complete shock and we know darn well it's absolutely what's best for the girls. That being said, it still kind of smarts. Y'all know I try to be as real as possible here and honestly, there's a true sense of grief and loss. Not to mention the fact that time is marching on. DH and I are far from spring chickens and we've got friends and family that have no problem reminding us of that fact.

Tick Tock Tick Tock.

So I did what I do best in these situations: D.R.S. ~ Disappear, Regroup, Shop. Not necessarily in that order. The Good Lord blessed me with a 30% coupon from Kohls and I put it to good use. Thank you My Missy for aiding and abetting.

I've had a chance to feel what I feel (including guilt for being selfish), it has been acknowledged and now it's time to move on. This journey is not an easy one (on many levels) but it's ours and we own it.

Proudly.