BIG BIG BIG NEWS!!!

Got word from my social worker today.. the appeal has been DE-NIED and we're moving forward with adoption!!!!!!!!!!  I swear I cried and shouted all in the same breath.

We should be in adoption court in February.

GOD IS SO GOOD! 

MEEERRRRRRYYY CHRISTMAS!

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends..

And My Family...

:-)

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year?

Not for everyone...

We've had a huge influx of family visiting since Thanksgiving and the distractions have been wonderful.  That being said, I still have had to lug out (and face) the Christmas decor and that has been no fun.  When I finally got the kids down for "quiet time" last Saturday, I was in the basement trying to maintain what's left of my dignity while digging through Christmas containers.  With my iPod jamming me to deafness, I was doing really well ... until I got to our stockings.  Then I fell apart... 

In a big way.

I had custom stockings made for Matt and I back in '02 and coming across them literally dropped me to my knees.  I could barely breathe my heart hurt so badly and I cried like a child.

It was August 12th all over again.

This grieving stuff completely sucks... however, it's a process I have no choice but to face.  If not now, when?  Once I regained composure and got on with the business of decking the halls it all wasn't nearly as crushing.  I'm not quite done yet but should have the house all purty-like by the weekend.  Normally I would be totally freaked out I'm so behind.  This year, not so much.

Please don't get me wrong, I love Christmas..

Just not this one.

Cuz All The Cool Kids...

Hang in the kitchen...

Merry Thankmus!!

This past weekend, Nantie and Uncle Elvis had us all up to their place for a holiday party.  Unable to get everyone together for Thanksgiving and Christmas, the shin ding was dubbed, "Merry Thankmus" ...

It was a hoot.

Little Buddy got to cheat at musical chairs...

We got our do-si-do on...

Little Buddy got to drool over his best Wyoming girl...

SweetPea and I took some pictures... and Tweeted, updated our Facebook status, texted..

And did I mention we watched the Broncos beat the Vikings in OT?

Oh yeah!

Thank you Nantie and Uncie Elvis for having us crazies up and treating us to such a lovely afternoon!  Yet another reminder of how blessed I am to have such an awesome family!

Ho Ho Ho!

My Birth Mom Search Continues.. Err, Kind Of..

Back in early 2010 I hired an investigator in an attempt to locate my Birth Mom. I tried searching for her myself on and off throughout the years (and with assistance of search angels.. ie: friends that worked for free) with no luck.

I was confident it would take but a few months for the professionals to track her down.  Heck, they're the company (the television show) Troy The Locator uses and they reunite people in, like, 22 minutes.  My case should be a piece of cake, right?

Um, no.

We hit a wall quickly (I have a very common birth name) and needed to have the county of my birth pull my non id info again.  There were several questions that weren't addressed when they originally sent it to me five years ago.  I was told a case worker would be assigned soon and advised to follow up in a few weeks to make sure I didn't fall through the cracks.  It should take 60-90 days to get the info back.  I called diligently every three months and was told the same thing..

For the next year and a half.. 

Yesterday I heard back from the worker.  When I picked myself up off the floor realized the questions (she could answer) were complete, I literally started to shake.   Then she asked if I preferred she mail it to me or shoot me an email.  What?  Duh..

I got the email today.

Unfortunately, not all the questions were answered and the ones that were are vague at best.  It's feeling like this search has run it's course.  That all being said, it's not the end of the world and I am far from incomplete.  I am grateful for my wonderful family and insanely fantastic group of friends.

She's out there somewhere, or maybe not. She wonders about me or she doesn't. I may never know.  Or maybe I will..  The one thing I do know?

No matter what, I'm very blessed.

A Year Ago Today...

At 9:00 pm, Matt and I were sitting on the couch watching TV.  It had been 6 months since our previous placement ("JuneBug") had left to live with her relatives out of state.  Nantie had also moved to Cheyenne and was living with her dreamboat, Elvis (who is STILL her rock star, might I add, and we love him dearly).  The house was quiet (well, except for the herd of canines..), errr, let's say not as lively as it had once been.  I was getting antsy, ready for SOMETHING to happen and honestly contemplating moving to a different county when recertification came up.

Then the phone rang.

An emergency placement.. a 6 year old boy and his 22 month old sister.  We asked the few important questions and agreed without giving it too much thought.  Kids in need, we had the room, why not?  It's what we were there for and it really wasn't a big deal.  Years prior we had put ourselves on the holiday list and figured it was a temporary thing.  Thanksgiving was a few days away, families tended to implode (drinking/drug use skyrockets) and available homes were scarce as many foster care providers went on holiday.  Basically, intakes spike. 

A week, two tops.

At 1:30am the following morning, headlights swooped across the driveway and a car parked out front.  It was a bitterly cold, clear night and the stars were twinkling.  Snuggled in sound asleep in the backseat the bright moonlight revealed two of the most beautiful sleeping faces I had ever seen.

And so it began...

This journey started with little fanfare and no expectation.  Two innocent angels caught up in a horrible mess. It feels like a decade ago and the blink of an eye all at the same time. So much has happened since.  Great breakthroughs and huge heartbreaks.  I am so grateful they are still here and pray we get this case wrapped up sooner rather than later.

One thing is certain, God has a curious way of going about things...

Fall Back.. Literally..

With the holiday season looming, I've been contemplating running away until after the New Year.  Some island with sugar sand and umbrella drinks.  Okay, maybe not but (had it not been for my kiddos) I probably would have given it serious thought.  Errr, maybe.  Don't fret.. we'll survive.. we've made it this far, right?

Right.

The crazy thing about this whole grief thing is how it sneaks up on you when you least expect it.  I was worried about Halloween.. missing Matt not seeing the kids' costumes, etc.  I breezed through it, no problemo.  All the events we went to were really fun and we had a blast.  Then, I started stressing about Thanksgiving.  That's going to be a huge challenge.. but guess what got me?  The TIME CHANGE. 

Seriously.

Matt's job was to change all the time on clocks.  The ones up high, down low and everything in between.  This past weekend really threw me for a loop.. totally unexpected.  Saturday, Sunday and most of Monday was a complete blue funk.  It sucked out loud, might I add.  But it, too, has passed.

Thank God...

Finding Me & Our New Normal

So, here we are. A few months down the road from the day our entire world got flipped upside down and turned inside out. So much has happened and I've got so much to say. That being said I, personally, cannot stand long, novelette blog posts so I'll fill y'all in with short and sweet ones.  Emphasis on try.  I'm getting my groove back and will do a better job at writing regularly.

Swears.

LittleBuddy and SweetPea are doing well.  He has his moments but they are fewer and farther between.  With SP, I'm seeing we dodged the Terrible Twos bullet but it's the Threes we need to wary of.  Oh my, the girl is sassy (that's the family friendly version).  Luckily, for both, they're so stinkin' cute ...

I am holding my own.  I purchased a treadmill a few weeks back to get my routine straightened out.  Seriously, I wasn't getting but 3 hours of sleep (the ole mind spin) and these early morning workouts now have me yawning by 9pm.  The bootie trimmin' is an added bonus!  :)

I still have my private break downs but they, too, are farther between.  The snow storm yesterday was especially hard.  More things added to my list of having to do (that were Matt's "jobs").. I now have to figure out how to get the snow plow on the ATV to push snow, taking brooms and beating snow off trees, etc.. But harder still was that this is really "our" time of year.  We loved to snowmobile and he was in his element in the cold and white stuff. 

One more thing to get through without him.

I'm standing on the edge of the holidays and absolutely dreading the thought.  To be honest, if I didn't have the kids, I would find a way to disappear until after January and just not deal.  Or crawl into myself and not celebrate.  The reality is, that cannot happen and our entire family will pull off the smiles, excitement and bear it.  The kiddos will have their holidays like all the others. 

But oh my gosh, it's going to be hard.

The adoption is still delayed thanks to an appeal that will be denied.  Eventually.  When the judge gets to it.  Someday.  Sigh..

For today, I pray for strength and peace for our family to get through the next few months.  But mostly give thanks for all our blessings, including my silly, sweet, sassy kiddos. 

Without them, gosh only knows where my life would've gone..

Hello? Is This Thing On?!?

Sorry for the recent blog neglect.. just trying to find my way through this "new normal". Things here are actually going really well, all things considered. I've pulled way back on LittleBuddy's therapy sessions and he is returning to his sweet, silly self. Seriously, we know Daddy is gone... no need to reopen that wound every.single.week.  Gah!

In other news..
The Raffle:
From GSG Customs Facebook Fan Page:
We had an amazing turn out over 100 people in the shop and we had 181 people watching online! I would like to give thanks to ComposiMo Fabrication, Ice House Tavern for all the support!

James, Me and the Tonka Toy:

Now here are the winners :
Chris Johnson - won "Tonka Toy"
Philip Saraff - won a complete GY6 motor swap for his ruckus
Tim Nichols - GSG Hoodie
Deanne Fujiooto - GSG Hoodie
Nathan Mielnik - GSG Hoodie
Mark Holcomb - GSG Hoodie
Aaron Carlock - $25.00 gift card to The Ice House Tavern
Mellisa Moringlo - $25.00 gift card to The Ice House Tavern

Us in action that night:


One more time.. A HUGE, "THANK YOU!!!" to everyone that participated, donated, got the word out and to Lizzie.. who got me home safely. :)

Gettin' On With Gettin' On...

So, here we are.. a month and half after the worst day ever and we're all hanging in there.  LB is at his absolute worst after therapy (I'm likening it more to ripping open scabs every week and am questioning the frequency of the visits.. we'll see).  But all in all, thanks to the support of our amazing family and friends, we're doing really well.

Both of my kids are growing like weeds.  At the rate LittleBuddy is going, he will definitely hit 6'3" as predicted (my bets are more like 8' the way he eats but I'll defer to the professionals).  I swear SweetPea says new things every day.  Did I mention she counted to 13 all by her little lonesome the other day?  I declared my 2 1/2 year old a rocket scientist (as Jack and Jill at 4 1/2 couldn't count past 3 when they came to us).  Okay, maybe an unfair comparison.. probably a future Nobel Peace Prize winner..

Grin.

We've had a minor glitch case wise.  One of the family members that had their rights terminated is appealing the decision.  Did I mention this person is incarcerated .. errr.. busy until 2016?  No one is surprised and it shouldn't set us back too much but for crying out loud.. Really?

Really.

I'm working more hours (did a FULL day on Monday!) and can say without the slightest hesitation a normal, run of the mill, ordinary day is like the greatest breath of fresh air.

Uneventful days ROCK!

A Boy, A Dog...

.. And Buzz Lightyear.. 

Our Jammie Morning...

Somewhere...

Over the rainbow,

Skies are blue.

And the dreams that you dare

to dream

Really do come true.

Latest Haps ...

Well, we made it past the one month mark since Matt's passing (on 9/11 of all things) and are hanging in there.  Good days and a few bad days as y'all can imagine... but we're adjusting and pressing forward.  LittleBuddy has had a pretty tough time but oh my goodness, the poor little guy has been through the wringer.  He seems to be past the first "hump" of turmoil and is snapping out of the pouty bad moods (and rages) quicker.  I told our social worker it feels like we're starting to lean forward (rather than taking steps back).

Thank GOD!

LB is spending the weekend with their older, 1/2 brother ("Freckles") and his family.  The only bio fam the kiddos have that is healthy and safe ... and I completely adore them.  It's a win win.  So, SweetPea and I have spent this Saturday morning snuggling, streaming Sesame Street and singing along... 

And having a wonderful time, might I add...

In other news... 

 I fixed the Big TV last night

(it mysteriously went out the night Matt passed) 

and we're rockin' Ernie and friends in style

(and surround..)

LittleBuddy will be PSYCHED ... Did I earn a new MomBadge?

Baby Steps & Hungry Bears

Yesterday I started back to work.. just 1/2 days for now.  I thank God continuously for the blessing of wonderful, understanding bosses and coworkers.  Between the bronchitis and grief, I'm beyond exhausted and far from 100%.  Literally taking a shower in the morning about wipes me out.  But I went in yesterday and stayed until noon.  I've worked there 15 years and honestly thought I would be okay, but it was harder (emotionally) than I had anticipated.  After the initial bout of tears and encouragement from my dear workmate, I got through the morning.

Baby Steps.

In other news.. due to a funky smell, I left the trash can outside last night (completely forgetting what time of year it is).  This morning Little Buddy and I found this:

B-B-B-B-Bear (as my family often jokes).  It goes back to a story from a few years ago of Matt and his Close Encounter ...  So, instead of dropping the kiddos off at daycare and heading in to work this morning, I got to go back home and scoop trash.  Did I mention it was strewn across the yard?

My Bad.

The good news is Little Buddy declared he will no longer run outside when he gets into trouble.  I'm thinking bear season will be year round in our parts..

Dang Goo...

So I thought I had fought the goo and won.. but I was wrong. I'm sick as all get out. My lack of sleep, inconsistent meals and stress these past three weeks have undoubtedly compromised the old immune system. At least I have the three day weekend to rest before I go back to work (part time), right?

Well, kind of.

Although he knows some fun activities planned for later in the weekend are on the line, LittleBuddy continues to pull out the stops.  He did have his weekly therapy session on Thursday and yesterday he saw one of his fave social workers (where he poured out his anger/sadness over Daddy).  He is raw, too.. and taking it out on me.

Naturally.

Sometimes I feel my nose is at water level but other times, strong as an oak tree.  There is no rhyme or reason why I burst out into tears or can speak frankly about what all is happening.  It will take a couple years to get back to normal again.  Whatever that is.  But somehow we'll get there by the grace of God..

Exhale...

Yes Honey, I Remembered...

Trash day was always a running joke at our house... taking out the garbage was, "NOT my job" ..  On the days when DH was out of town and I had to do it, I would send an early morning text picture and get an, "Atta girl!" 

Bonus points if it was recycle day.

So if you saw a girl choking back tears while she lugged out the bins yesterday, that was probably me.  The laughter seems so distant.

Hey, at least I remembered.

Really?

On top of the spiral that our life was plunged into a few weeks back (and all that I have had to deal with since), I've had to literally dig out my Big Girl Pants and personally put the kibosh on people acting stupid.

*Friends with seemingly good intentions becoming vulturous. Like, going through my house, taking things off my walls and offering money for them.

Really?

*Boys wanting to play with my husband's toys, borrow his things and rifle through his belongings. Seriously, DH's RV barn turned into a hang out.

Really?

*People emailing my friends (that they are not acquainted with) on the side wanting details.

Really?

Not to mention the very night since his passing, the new, big TV stopped working, my laptop monitor displays images upside down, the husky suddenly has a big lump on her head, one of the minpins had an allergy come back (his eye swells and he gets bumps all over) and a sprinkler cover thingy was overflowing and water came flooding out.

Really?

Last night my throat started to itch and my head feels like it's under water. Sure enough, I'm getting sick.

Really?

The good news is, I'm anxiously awaiting my one time survivors payment from Social Security for $255...

Really.

Zausted...

As Little Buddy would say.

This weekend LB was a train wreck of emotions. As we anticipated, he is all over the board and has taken several steps back. The really tough part is not only is he in turmoil but I'm raw as well.  For the record, LB knows what buttons to push and going for broke. I'm certain part of his belief is that I'm leaving next. Everyone in his short life that has told him they love him is gone, so let's just get this over with. On top if it all, he is grieving the loss of his Daddy but before the sadness comes anger.

Big Time.

So here I sit. The children are off to school, the house is quiet and I'm numb with exhaustion. For now, I'm shutting out the voices telling me my home is too large to manage and I have to sell it. For crying out loud, I can't even move the jeans DH has hanging on the hook in the bathroom.

For now I stuff back the fear of what the future holds for us financially and otherwise.  My faith put to the test in a huge way, the bigger question is can I withstand, dig deep and find strength to lead this family of mine?

This is so not the happily ever after I thought was finally in reach.  I wasn't supposed to be a young widow or single mom adopting two children. But suddenly I am and all I can do is press forward from here.. day, hour, minute at a time.

I have no other option.

Sploosh...

Sitting still hasn't been my forte here these last few weeks. I've got to keep moving moving... especially when I have the kids. I can't stop and think because if I do, reality sets in and it's way more than I can bear. Trust me, I have my private moments.. rage, hysterical sobbing, deep grief.. the works. That's normal and ok but again, in private.  They have seen our grief but not the really heavy stuff.




Today a dear friend and her son met up with us at a local splash park and the kids ran amuck. 

It was awesome. 

The boys got their spin on..

Then they got their splash on..

And a little princess learned that chivalry was not dead...





A big thank you to all the friends and family that continue to come by our side and walk through this with us.  We have a long road ahead but will heal one small step at a time.