Monday, August 29, 2011

Zausted...

As Little Buddy would say.

This weekend LB was a train wreck of emotions. As we anticipated, he is all over the board and has taken several steps back. The really tough part is not only is he in turmoil but I'm raw as well.  For the record, LB knows what buttons to push and going for broke. I'm certain part of his belief is that I'm leaving next. Everyone in his short life that has told him they love him is gone, so let's just get this over with. On top if it all, he is grieving the loss of his Daddy but before the sadness comes anger.

Big Time.

So here I sit. The children are off to school, the house is quiet and I'm numb with exhaustion. For now, I'm shutting out the voices telling me my home is too large to manage and I have to sell it. For crying out loud, I can't even move the jeans DH has hanging on the hook in the bathroom.

For now I stuff back the fear of what the future holds for us financially and otherwise.  My faith put to the test in a huge way, the bigger question is can I withstand, dig deep and find strength to lead this family of mine?

This is so not the happily ever after I thought was finally in reach.  I wasn't supposed to be a young widow or single mom adopting two children. But suddenly I am and all I can do is press forward from here.. day, hour, minute at a time.

I have no other option.

13 comments:

Tiff said...

"I can so all things through Him who gives me strength." Still praying for you, my sweet friend. Hang in there, you CAN do this!

Carmen O. said...

Melissa, watching your story unfold, every one of us feels the wind knocked out of our sails. I wish I had more for you - more time, more encouragement, more reassurance that everything is going to be okay. If you want to write and vent, feel free. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your kids.
xo
carmen

Laurel said...

Melissa,

I wish that I had a magic wand. I don't even know what to say - I've gone to type something to you a gazillion times and then delete it, 'cuz it just doesn't seem applicable to this situation. There is nothing to say, really. There are no words. I'm pretty sure that only one thing would make this situation better...and I don't have any power to make that happen. If I did, know that I would. My heart hurts for you, LB and SP...and everyone that is hurting with this huge loss.

Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second. Whatever it happens to be on any given day...know that I stop and pray for you and think of you often throughout the day.

Miss Tori said...

My heart goes out to you Melissa. For not only your huge loss, but for the loss of the Daddy that your children are suffering through. Please know you are in my prayers and more importantly, you are in God's hands.

Megan, aka LadyofMoonlight said...

I am so sorry. I can only imagine being in your shoes. We are praying and hoping for you and your children. Are there any adult adoptees nearby that you think might be good as a "mentor" for LB? I'm just trying to imagine my own little guy (almost 6, adopted at age 2 with an attachment disorder) going through this and what might help to ease the transition. He's a "push all the right buttons" sort of child too so I know what you mean, though our toughest challenges have been adding a baby or the beginning/end of school. My thoughts are with you, hoping it will all come together somehow.

Hope said...

Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Claire said...

I'm so sorry. Sending you strength.

Lavender Luz said...

May you and your children always have what you need when you need it -- emotionally, financially, friend-wise, house-wise, strength-wise, faith-wise.

XOXO

Diane said...

Melissa, God will be with you and see you through. Is there any chance they can setup counseling for LB, so he can talk to someone outside the family and the case manager and vent his feelings? Perhaps a neutral counselor can reach him at this sad time, or at least help him understand that this was not voluntary and was no one's fault. Keep your focus on Him, even when the situation seems impossible. Good will come.

Ms.Christy said...

I am praying Mel. Love you.

Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said...

I pray for you all the time and the verse that keeps coming to me is Isaiah 43:19 "I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland". Right now, digging out of this horrific circumstance, you are in a desert and wasteland. But God has a plan and will give you the strength you need to find the stream in this desert. I pray peace and comfort over all of you. Please feel free to email me anytime. Lots of love, girl!!

Sunday said...

Yes you do have to press on…and I know you will find the strength. We are all pulling for you.

inthekitchenwithkp said...

You are STRONG.
You are LOVED.
You will get through this.
*hugs*

 

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