Really?

On top of the spiral that our life was plunged into a few weeks back (and all that I have had to deal with since), I've had to literally dig out my Big Girl Pants and personally put the kibosh on people acting stupid.

*Friends with seemingly good intentions becoming vulturous. Like, going through my house, taking things off my walls and offering money for them.

Really?

*Boys wanting to play with my husband's toys, borrow his things and rifle through his belongings. Seriously, DH's RV barn turned into a hang out.

Really?

*People emailing my friends (that they are not acquainted with) on the side wanting details.

Really?

Not to mention the very night since his passing, the new, big TV stopped working, my laptop monitor displays images upside down, the husky suddenly has a big lump on her head, one of the minpins had an allergy come back (his eye swells and he gets bumps all over) and a sprinkler cover thingy was overflowing and water came flooding out.

Really?

Last night my throat started to itch and my head feels like it's under water. Sure enough, I'm getting sick.

Really?

The good news is, I'm anxiously awaiting my one time survivors payment from Social Security for $255...

Really.

Zausted...

As Little Buddy would say.

This weekend LB was a train wreck of emotions. As we anticipated, he is all over the board and has taken several steps back. The really tough part is not only is he in turmoil but I'm raw as well.  For the record, LB knows what buttons to push and going for broke. I'm certain part of his belief is that I'm leaving next. Everyone in his short life that has told him they love him is gone, so let's just get this over with. On top if it all, he is grieving the loss of his Daddy but before the sadness comes anger.

Big Time.

So here I sit. The children are off to school, the house is quiet and I'm numb with exhaustion. For now, I'm shutting out the voices telling me my home is too large to manage and I have to sell it. For crying out loud, I can't even move the jeans DH has hanging on the hook in the bathroom.

For now I stuff back the fear of what the future holds for us financially and otherwise.  My faith put to the test in a huge way, the bigger question is can I withstand, dig deep and find strength to lead this family of mine?

This is so not the happily ever after I thought was finally in reach.  I wasn't supposed to be a young widow or single mom adopting two children. But suddenly I am and all I can do is press forward from here.. day, hour, minute at a time.

I have no other option.

Sploosh...

Sitting still hasn't been my forte here these last few weeks. I've got to keep moving moving... especially when I have the kids. I can't stop and think because if I do, reality sets in and it's way more than I can bear. Trust me, I have my private moments.. rage, hysterical sobbing, deep grief.. the works. That's normal and ok but again, in private.  They have seen our grief but not the really heavy stuff.




Today a dear friend and her son met up with us at a local splash park and the kids ran amuck. 

It was awesome. 

The boys got their spin on..

Then they got their splash on..

And a little princess learned that chivalry was not dead...





A big thank you to all the friends and family that continue to come by our side and walk through this with us.  We have a long road ahead but will heal one small step at a time.

But Summer Isn't Over Yet...

Yes, yesterday was the first day of school, however, Auntie MooMoo was having none of it. She and LittleBuddy spent a late afternoon hanging at a local reservoir w/ friends from her work.

That's my kinda Wednesday right thar.. let me tell you what..

Morons Amongst Us

Every family has them.. well at least one, anyway. Ours is no exception. You know.. the arrogant, pot stirring, obnoxious know it all. The one with the venomous tongue.

You know who you are.

I ignored your snide remarks for years and finally wrote you off. I didn't need your brand of crazy in my life, not then and surely not now. The comments you have recently made about my husband confirm (once again) what an absolute idiot you truly are. I find it laughable you continue to stalk my blog. Aren't you bigger than that?

Guess not. Shock.

Just So You Know...

*If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say, "Hanging in there" .. or I might burst out into tears.

*I haven't slept well in over a week and look/feel like utter crap from the inside out.

*You may get a random phone call from me and I thank you in advance for your patience and understanding as I try to process. I truly hope I don't become the friend that makes your eyes roll when my number comes up on your caller id. I promise to return the favor someday. I don't know how but I will.

*I feel badly for not responding back personally to all that so generously donated to the fundraiser, the phone calls, emails, public/private Facebook and Twitter messages. I've heard and read them all and they are precious to me. The money raised is so very very appreciated.. it covered my looming day care bill. For all that put their own lives on hold and came by my side, I thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart.

I also thank God for my beautiful children, my amazing family and friends. If it wasn't for you all, I can't even fathom what this new life of mine would be like.

I am humbled beyond words.

Saying Goodbye

The following was what I had written and hoped to read at Matt's service. The pastor ended up reading it for me. We're still in a spinning, numb haze, but I do wish to thank everyone for their love, prayers and support. 

Today we celebrate the life of not only my beautiful husband, but a loving Daddy, a caring son, brother, uncle, brother in law, friend, coworker, neighbor, hunting buddy, fearless snowmobile leader and golf mate. As we all sit here today, shocked and saddened, please remember him for who he truly was.. A gentle giant with a heart of gold. 

Matt was the most brilliant, hard working, clever man I have ever met. He could build anything beautifully and didn’t stop until the job was done to the satisfaction of his high standards. Our home he loved so much is a true testimony of his incredible tenacity and pride in workmanship. 

In the 10 years I’ve known him, not once did he have an angry outburst (and if you know me, that in and of itself is a mark for Sainthood). I know I’m not the only one in this room he patiently dug out while snowmobiling.. Brushing off apologies with, “It’s hasn’t been a great day of riding until someone gets stuck”

We had lots of great riding days.

Over the years, he rolled with my heart and passions, welcoming and loving countless rescue dogs that would eventually leave (okay, some stayed), and deeply loved all the foster children that blessed our home. Nothing is sweeter than watching a 6’3” man melt to goo over curly haired SweetPea or him patiently guiding LittleBuddy through the challenges of checkers.

He had a great love of the outdoors and thoroughly enjoyed taking trips with not only his family but his buddies, as well. Snowmobiling, white water rafting, hunting, atv-ing.. All things outdoors. One great moment (that will always crack me up) was texting him pictures of the herds of elk in our yard as he and the boys had been up in the mountains hunting for a week with not a bull in sight.

Good times.

I cannot begin to thank everyone for coming from near and far to be here today. I have no words to express how blessed and appreciative our entire family feels for all the loving words of support and prayer. We are all broken but together we will heal. My hope for today is that we can not only cry together but laugh over the good times as well. I truly hope to hear your stories and I will share mine.

My sweet darling, not a day will go by that I won’t think of you and ache for your presence. The thought of experiences we won’t get to share together makes it hard to breathe. There is still so much to say and do. Please know how proud I am to be your wife, your friend and a Mommy to our beautiful children. I will love you from the core of my soul ..

Forever.

Surreal...

Our Darkest Days

This past weekend, my husband was tragically and unexpectedly taken from us.  I will not be discussing details.  I am asking for prayers not only for myself but for all his family and friends for strength, peace and comfort.  I am truly blessed with awesome support that has come around me and we will all, somehow, eventually get through this.

I have spoken to our social worker and she assured me they will NOT take LittleBuddy and SweetPea away.  No way, no how.  Thank God.

I cannot even being to thank everyone that has posted words of encouragement, love and support on FB and Twitter.  All the friends that have called, shown up at the house and emailed.  My family that has come or is coming from near and far.  I could not of endured this alone and am so very very very grateful for you all.

The Talk

Our social worker (Tee) called us as soon as the termination hearing ended to give us the verdict.  She has been with the kiddos since day one (nearly two years) and I can say with total certainty I wasn't the only one in tears.  All this time she has been the one to give Little Buddy all the tough news ..  and Thursday was no exception.

Tee knows he can't process information that comes in a beat-around-the-bush, sugar coated style.  He needs blunt truth.  Although he had been talking about adoption for a few months, to hear it's officially happening was huge and world rocking.  Both in a good and bad way..  Can you imagine what a nearly seven year old feels hearing this?  Joy, abandonment, pain, grief, anger, relief, happiness...

A massively mixed bag.

She didn't want him to have any lingering fantasies that his Mom would be coming back for them and was purposefully clear, answering questions honestly.  It was absolutely heart breaking to watch my little man's eyes well up with tears as he nodded in understanding of what she was saying.  Her eyes welled up also.. how we all kept from bursting out crying is beyond me. 

We told him it's okay to feel the feelings that will come up.. he can be angry, sad and happy, reiterating as we always do that it's not their fault.  Their mom loves them dearly she just can't keep them safe.  We talked about me being adopted and my family, as well as their older brother (9 year old "Freckles") and what it all means.

"Being safe and part of a family that loves you forever," per Little Buddy.

As with everything in his short life, LB took the information in stride.  About an hour after Tee left he asked if we could call Auntie MooMoo (my SIL whom he has become very close to) to tell her the Big News.  When she answered the phone he yelled, "MOOOO... we're getting 'DOPTED!!!"  and I could hear her hootin' and a hollerin' from across the room.

Good stuff.

It has only been a few days since The Talk and all has been well.  We fully expect another cycle of some type of acting out but at least THIS time it's news that will allow forward motion.  LB is no longer stuck, not knowing if and when they will be uprooted.  His school is his school, his friends are his friends, his home is his home. 

He can finally exhale, too.

3 Years 8 Months 20 Days ...

In December 2007 DarlingHusband, Gramsie, GrandPaPa and I attended an informational meeting at the county and this journey began..

By August 3, 2008 we had completed the approval process and anxiously awaited the phone to ring with our first placement.  We were sure it would happen any minute.. It didn't.. we learned patience.

August 3, 2009 we were bracing for the transition of our beloved twins, Jack and Jill, back to a bio family member's home.  I can't even begin to explain the heartbreak and sorrow.  There are no words.  We learned sometimes the lesser of two evils is all you can be thankful for and how to say goodbye with grace and dignity.  Well, our our version of it, anyway.

By August 3, 2010 Mannie, his little sister Sunshine and JuneBug had all come and gone.  These cases taught us how to open our arms and hearts to not only our darling angels but to their bio families, as well. 

And so much more..

Honestly, I was convinced we would never make it to adoption.  Each year we decided to recertify because being foster parents was something we enjoyed...

Yes, we're nuts.

August 3, 2011 ... 3 years 8 months 20 days of tears, diapers, sleepless nights, break throughs and set backs, colds, laughter, trips to urgent care, holidays, therapy, arguments, tantrums, more sleepless nights...  We heard the words we never thought we would hear..

"It is done..The judge declared your LittleBuddy & SweetPea are now available for adoption.."

Pure Joy. 

Exhale...

Big BIG Week...

This is me.. holding breath..

Stay Tuned!!