Saying Goodbye

The following was what I had written and hoped to read at Matt's service. The pastor ended up reading it for me. We're still in a spinning, numb haze, but I do wish to thank everyone for their love, prayers and support. 

Today we celebrate the life of not only my beautiful husband, but a loving Daddy, a caring son, brother, uncle, brother in law, friend, coworker, neighbor, hunting buddy, fearless snowmobile leader and golf mate. As we all sit here today, shocked and saddened, please remember him for who he truly was.. A gentle giant with a heart of gold. 

Matt was the most brilliant, hard working, clever man I have ever met. He could build anything beautifully and didn’t stop until the job was done to the satisfaction of his high standards. Our home he loved so much is a true testimony of his incredible tenacity and pride in workmanship. 

In the 10 years I’ve known him, not once did he have an angry outburst (and if you know me, that in and of itself is a mark for Sainthood). I know I’m not the only one in this room he patiently dug out while snowmobiling.. Brushing off apologies with, “It’s hasn’t been a great day of riding until someone gets stuck”

We had lots of great riding days.

Over the years, he rolled with my heart and passions, welcoming and loving countless rescue dogs that would eventually leave (okay, some stayed), and deeply loved all the foster children that blessed our home. Nothing is sweeter than watching a 6’3” man melt to goo over curly haired SweetPea or him patiently guiding LittleBuddy through the challenges of checkers.

He had a great love of the outdoors and thoroughly enjoyed taking trips with not only his family but his buddies, as well. Snowmobiling, white water rafting, hunting, atv-ing.. All things outdoors. One great moment (that will always crack me up) was texting him pictures of the herds of elk in our yard as he and the boys had been up in the mountains hunting for a week with not a bull in sight.

Good times.

I cannot begin to thank everyone for coming from near and far to be here today. I have no words to express how blessed and appreciative our entire family feels for all the loving words of support and prayer. We are all broken but together we will heal. My hope for today is that we can not only cry together but laugh over the good times as well. I truly hope to hear your stories and I will share mine.

My sweet darling, not a day will go by that I won’t think of you and ache for your presence. The thought of experiences we won’t get to share together makes it hard to breathe. There is still so much to say and do. Please know how proud I am to be your wife, your friend and a Mommy to our beautiful children. I will love you from the core of my soul ..

Forever.

Well Well, What Have We Here?

Oooooohhhh...

Aahhhhhhh...

Springtime in FULL SWING, that's what!

DADDY'S HOOOOMMEE!!

During LittleBuddy's HellaWeek, DH was away on business. In the middle of his raging I was feeling rather alone, however, looking back we both agree that it was best that Daddy wasn't around. LB is more reserved around hubs and he needed to let it all hang out (boy, did he ever).

Upon his triumphant return, rad gifts were presented...

LB wanted sand from the beach. Not only did he get sand, there's magic little shells in there, too (uuhh, look close)..


SweetPea is fascinated by fish. Her, "Bish in wawa!!" keeps her mesmerized for hours...


What was my gift? Why a

Of course!

I'm happy to report things have settled down significantly. LB has purged the latest round of demons and seems "lighter". We're back to our old, fairly drama-free routine. It's wonderful having Daddy home and things are as they should be.

THANK GOD!

Guy Time...

DH was out of town on business for the better part of this week. A worker had picked up LB and SP from daycare and brought them home last night. As I greeted them at the door, Buddy had only one question,

"IS DADDY HOME YET???!"

and screeched past Yours Truly with little more than a glance when the answer was, "Yes!" ..

Girls were banned from the family room as the building (of what looked like Lego Speed Boats) commenced.


If I'm not mistakin', I do believe I heard grunting à la Tim Allen and Tool Time.

Happy Birthday, Darling(s)...

This is "Birthday Week" in our little home~

SweetPea has celebrated The Big

whilst this fine day DH celebrates

;o)

I love you both dearly.. Happy Birthday!!

DH's Magnet-ism

My hubs has been away on business for nearly two weeks. Typically, his destinations leave something to be desired. Casper, WY in the dead of winter winter? Check. Phoenix, AZ in the throws of summer? Oh yeah. The timing isn't just crummy season-wise, either. A few years back, he was in Albuquerque on our wedding anniversary. Visions of turquoise earrings danced in my head. In true DH style, this is what I got:


I'm fairly certain it was from an airport gift shop.

We actually got a great laugh out of it. Truth be told, I didn't get him a thing that year so a magnet trumps zilch, right?

Unlike previous trips, this time DH scored big. Or so I thought. Unfortunately, it was back-breaking, exhausting work that left little time to take in the sights.

He was supposed to fly out today but was able to finagle his way out last night. Although he did not disclose the gift he purchased for me, I texted him he had better take good care of my magnet. Sure enough, he walked in this morning with a little bag in hand and grin on his face:



Do I know my man or WHAT?

But wait.. there's more..

He snapped his fingers and said, "Hold on a sec.. I think there's something else" and goes back out to the car:


So much for knowing everything.

In the crazy that has been this past week, I've had a good reminder to stop and appreciate the blessings I have now. Not to obsess on what I hope will be. I have a wonderful family, a husband I adore, awesome friends, an amazing home and a darn good life. We're are healthy, happy and employed.

And my magnet ROCKS.

Happy Anniversary!!

Honey, I love you dearly.. yesterday, today and all my years to come. Thank you for putting up with all my quirks, the tech and Internet obsessions, not minding that I put our lives "out there" via my writing and MomTV show.. and for just being you.

Like Forreset said, "..peas & carrots.."

History Repeating...

With the Olympic spirit in the air, I declare JuneBug takes the gold for being a trooper (as does Nantie--who had quite the time with her on Tuesday). Little J did great last Friday night but things went downhill on Saturday. She came to us with a runny nose and cough and was just miserable.

And she let us know it.

As some of you may recall, within hours of Jack and Jill's arrival to our home we were in Urgent Care with Jill. She was sick as all get out and ended up having Type A Influenza. That's right.. the flu.

SO, here we are again.. a year later with a new little one sporting a gusher nose, congestion and very very cranky. Déjà vu? Sure felt like it. This time though, we didn't have a fever to contend with and she bounced back fairly quickly.

Yay JuneBug!

I am pleased to report our little darling is back to her ornery, sweet, silly self. She is an absolute joy and has us all wrapped around her finger.. including DH.. and may I state for the record there is nothing more heartwarming than watching a 6'3" man turn to mush over a 2' tall pixie.

*Grinnin'*

Male Bonding..

DH, Mannie & Clifford (The Big Red Dog) snuggle in for a bedtime story..


So much for princess stories.. humpf!

Full House

As Friday was winding down at work, I was thinking how great it would be to have a relaxing, hang-out-at-the-house kinda weekend. The biggest event planned was a quickie hop over to the grocery store. That's it. Although a short work week (thanks to Labor Day) it was still insane.

I was baked.

My cell rang at around 3pm but I let it go to voicemail. Unless it's the county I try not to take too many personal calls. It was from my Auntie J in CA and I figured I would call her back on my drive home. Then she called at work and THAT meant something is up.

My heart flip flopped.

For all my readers that follow Kadi at WATI, my Auntie is her grandma (if you're keeping score, Kadi and I are 2nd cousins). My dear Uncle passed away a year ago this past February and Auntie just hasn't seemed to be able to completely get through the grief. After 40+ years of a solid, loving marriage, I don't know how it's done and we've all been concerned about her. Sometimes she seems fine and other times not so much. This is a woman of great faith that lives out loud and to see her wilt is almost unbearable.

SO.. Auntie says she is in a blue funk, needs to get away and asked if she could come out for a visit. Well OF COURSE! That's a big Duh George. I say, "When!?" and she says, "ASAP". Arrangements were made Friday night and she'll be here TODAY for 2 weeks.

Holy Cow!

This is totally out of the norm for Auntie (she's not a fly by the seat of her pants kinda lady) and never asks for help. I am grateful she feels she can reach out to us and pray this trip helps her regroup and feel better. I know she is going to adore Mannie and Sunshine and looking forward to spending time with our CO family.

BUT WAIT... THERE'S MORE!!!!

This coming Thursday, Uncle JoeJoe and Auntie D (DH's younger brother and his lovely lady) are driving in from out of state for the weekend. DH's company contracts with the Cleveland Browns and he invited Uncle JoeJoe to assist when they fly into town for the football game. Next Saturday they will meet the team plane at the airport, unload equipment and set up at Mile High Stadium. On Sunday they will be on field pregame shagging punted balls for the kickers. During the game, they're to "look busy".. holding the coach's headset cord, picking up towels, etc. After the Broncos win they'll load back up and may even score a game ball. It's a chance of a lifetime and both DH and Uncle JoeJoe are beyond excited.

Bottom line: Our home is gonna be full and rockin'. At the end of the day it's all about family and it's as it should be.

Captive Audience..

Ch Ch Ch Cha Changes..

Monday the kids had their overnight at the relatives home. Nantie attended a class and was gone for the evening. DH and I sat on the patio, had a glass of wine and reminisced over the last 7 months. We laughed (over their zany antics and how scared we were to take twins in the first place), cried (over our heartache and how much we'll miss them) and congratulated each other on a job well done. We loved them with our whole hearts and now it's time to start letting go.

When we discussed visitations after the move with workers, we had been advised that's actually harder than dealing with them leaving. They are never the same kids and it's painful to see. What was said didn't hit home until last night. In just 24 hours Jack and Jill morphed into different children. We have no doubt it is due, in part, to the turmoil they're in over moving but also from the completely different world their family lives in. From mealtimes to dressing them to discipline.. polar opposites.

Last night they had attitude and were demanding. If they thought they were going to boss us around they sure had another thing coming. I asked Jack for a hug (it was totally common for him to come up and give me a big ole bear squeeze) but instead he said, "Get me a glass of water and I'll give you a hug" ... Say WHAT?! (After I picked myself up off the floor) I made him get it himself. He also got a firm talking to.

DH noticed right off they looked at us differently. It's like their little, darling bodies are possessed by a couple aliens that don't like us much at all. We did see glimmers of their sweet selves and I'm sure with a good nights sleep, the Jack and Jill we know will return.

Imagine, if you will, not seeing them for a few months and how different they would be then. We totally understand what the workers were trying to get through to us in regards to visitations. It's wild stuff.

We know they are going to a home that loves them and we can sleep at night knowing they are safe. There are kiddos out there that don't even have that. Parents in jail, family that won't step up .. that's where we're needed...

And will be waiting with open arms.

Anniversary Gift

DH finally got home last night from his business trip. As many of you know, he missed our wedding anniversary earlier this week. He was traveling with his boss (the best boss ever, I might add) and I had high hopes DH would be influenced once again by his impeccable taste. I scored a Coach purse and clutch one Christmas because they had traveled together and DH was pressured (er, talked into) buying them for me.

Unfortunately, Boss departed a few days early.


Not exactly the diamonds or turquoise I was expecting but I did get a good laugh just the same.

Happy Anniversary, Honey!!

I can't imagine growing old with anyone else. You are amazing and I don't thank you nearly enough for all you do.**

I love you dearly.. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

**Thank you for scrubbing the bathroom on Sunday--YOU ROCK! :o)

Love Your Wife,

Roughing It

Here is a little ditty from our camping trip over the weekend. For those of you that mock my sense of adventure and heartiness (BRENDA), I have proof that I did actually have to dig deep and truly rough it.

Our crew went swimming Saturday morning (remember the thong?). By early afternoon it was time to pack it in and head back to the rig. DH, Auntie MooMoo and Uncle Kiwi had a tee time while Jack, Jill and I were going to stay behind for Quiet Time. A cold beer, chewy chocolate cookies, hot shower and WiFi anyone? One word: Heaven!

I am a good little camper and know how to take sailors showers (turn the water off to conserve while lathering). Although we were in a campsite with plug ins DH decided not to hook up the water, assuring me we had enough.

Uh huh.

I was covered head to toe with soap and hair dripping with conditioner when, you guessed it, the water sputtered and ran out. I had 2 kids asleep (one on the couch up front and one in our bed in the back) and not an adult family member in sight. FOR HOURS.

My survival instincts kicked in. I grabbed a towel, burst out of the bathroom, ran across the rig to a cabinet and pulled out a case of bottled water that I drug back to the shower. Did I mention all the blinds were open? Poor neighbors.

Look out Man Vs Wild, there's a new kid in town:

Knock Knock!!

Jack and Jill: "Huh?"

DH: "Knock Knock!"

J&J: "Come In!"

DH: "KNOCK KNOCK!!!"

Me: "Who's there?"

J&J: "OH YEAH! Who is there??"

DH: "Boo!"

J&J: "Boo Who?"

DH: "DON'T CRY!!"

(gales of laughter)

Jack: "Knock Knock??"

DH, J & Me: "Who's there???"

Jack: "Yellow!"

DH, J & Me: "Yellow WHO!???!"

Jack: "Yellow is the color of my head, gotta get in my car and go to work now .. but don't cry..."

Jill & Me: Can't speak.. fallen out of the chair laughing..

DH: Shaking head/laughing: "If these kids were any cuter it would have to be illegal.."

Jack just sat there darn proud of his comedic skill. Goofy kid.

A Corner Turned..

From the get go, I was the least favorite in Jack's little world. In his eyes, my role as Big Mama was in direct competition with their own Mom and he was having none of it. The majority of his fits of anger, snide comments and naughty behaviour were directed solely at me.

Until recently..

Since our little breakthrough (the night he melted my heart with his first, "Wissa, I wuv you"), it's like a shift has taken place inside him. Although we snuggled and giggled before, it now feels very loving and true. We all see it. He has no qualms showing me affection and saying he loves me in front of everyone (even our social workers that were visiting this week). I'm even requested to help him dress on occasion.

Most excellent!

A boy that was once very quiet now can be described in one word as, "Joyful". He loves to sing, dance and entertain. The kid is a downright comic (undoubtedly the next George Lopez-minus the swear words, of course). Even the workers that knew him since the beginning of their case have described him as "a new child."

My friends, it makes our hearts sing!

Little Jill (the former boss of the two) has had to make some adjustments of her own. We think it's a little confusing for her that Jack now has opinions of his own and doesn't allow her to speak for him all the time. She'll just have to get used to that. On the flip side, since she no longer needs to be the one in charge (think Little Mommy) we believe she is relieved. All Jill needs to focus on is learning to just be a kid and not carry the weight of the world on her little shoulders.

This is the one of the hardest times in the case (even our worker has said so). We're in total limbo. The thought of them going home is unfathomable but totally possible. Court is in a few weeks and it's a biggie. I've been advised to go (I plan on sitting in back with my Jackie O's and scarf over my head so I'm not noticed-ah HA). It's two days after my Mortieth Birthday so it's totally blowing all the excitement over that big event.

Okay, not really. More like another excuse to hit the Hagen Daz that week.

Germs 1.. Germination 0

DH went down hard last Friday with a nasty bout of bronchitis and didn't go back to work until today. Jack and Jill have been coughing and boogery all week and Nantie is trying to fend something off, as well. Thanks to Bren's nagging (er, kind words of advice) I started taking my prenatal vitamins after my last huge knock down and have yet to have a full blown cold (thank God!).

Germs win round 1...

Auntie MooMoo came over 2 weeks ago and helped the kiddos plant PUMPKIN SEEDS!! WOOHOO!! They looked like this:
Visions of monstrous jack o lanterns danced in their heads. Jack and Jill check them every day (swearing they see something coming up, of course). The package promised we would see some sprouting in just a few days.

Did I mention it has been 2 weeks? They look like this:
How wrong is THAT?? Do you see the giant pumpkin on the package? Or is that just a really small child?!?? How do these people sleep at night knowing they are going to let down adults (er, little kids) everywhere!??!

Germination-A Big Fat Zilch.




(This post is dedicated to Amber, who is married to the Lord of the Gourds)

I Love You But Don't Come Near Me..

DH, Nantie and I all have very different rolls in our household. Nantie spends the most time with the children, runs them to various appointments and is firm but very loving. She is like a grandmother and they love her from the tops of their heads to the tips of their toes.

The kids never had much of a father figure to speak of and they adore DH. He's like their personal jungle gym/teddy bear. Their screeches of delight when he comes home are at a pitch that only dogs can hear. When he speaks, they listen. When he tickles them they about pee their pants. DH rocks.

Then there's me. I am the rule maker and the not-so-fun-one. Don't get me wrong, we giggle and play but I'm fairly certain I'm seen as The Warden. I'm the mother figure but they already have a mom and have an allegiance to her. It's like almost cheating on her, right? Can you imagine trying to process such huge emotions at only 4 1/2 years old?!

Little Jill and I have really started to form a cool bond. She is very snuggly and seems to handle her growing love for me with ease. Jack, on the other hand, struggles with it. A LOT. Many times he'll ask me to move away (like last night when he was brushing his teeth) or demand DH or Nantie help dress him (rather than me).

My presence just plain ticks him off sometimes.

There are times when he names everyone (including the dogs) and tells me he loves them but not me. I know where it's coming from (his painful turmoil from within) but to say it doesn't hurt to hear would be a fib. On the flip side, if he wakes crying from a nightmare he comes to me for comfort. I'm not completely wicked.

I tell him time and again he can love or not love whomever he wishes. I choose to love him no matter what and I am not going anywhere.

Then I slip him an Oreo cookie for good measure.

;o)

Starting Them Young..

Auntie Bren and Kadi will be happy to hear the kids are already hooked on Starbucks.

Seriously.

The Saturday before Easter I had to work. That morning DH, Auntie MooMoo, Uncle Kiwi, Jack and Jill piled into the car and headed over to a local high school where a church was putting on an egg hunt. It was freezing cold, starting to drizzle and the line to get in was literally was 3 miles long (or so the story goes). They put the kibosh on attending the hunt and went over to a park instead. After playing for some time, all were chilled to the bone and Auntie MooMoo had a great idea:

STARBUCKS!

Of course, the kiddos didn't have coffee.. they got hot chocolate, a cookie the size of Jack's head and a scrumdilliumptious pastry. They call it "The Coffee Store" and are still talking about how good it smells inside. They want to know when we're going back. For the record, if they visit two more times they will officially have been to Starbucks one more than I have.

So wrong.

Personally, I would've taken them to 7-11 but that's just me. NOW I have to find a second job to afford their addiction and learn the language so I can go in and order with confidence. I wonder if Rosetta Stone has software for just such a dilemma..

Stay Tuned ..