If Not You Then Who?

This weekend has been all about keeping busy.. from golf to house work and everything in between. Down time finds my little pea brain spinning and the "What If's" just won't let up. There's too many to list (but they include wonderful ditties like, "What if .. I totally suck at this motherhood thing"). Ya, nothing like a huge helping of self doubt before the big meeting.

Fantastic.

Our prayer is for guidance and for us to know if it is or isn't meant to be. To listen to our inner voice and to each other. I will try with all my might not to be completely crushed if this anticipation was all for not. Thank you for all your kind words and PLEASE keep sending up those prayers.

With the decision looming I must say, I am comforted in the fact that it's in His hands.

Who I Am..

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make your one...
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One gave you up ... that's all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me, through your fears,
the age old question unanswered throughout the years...
Heredity or environment, which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling neither.
Just two different kinds of love.

~ Author Unknown ~

Just Breathe

I've had time to prepare. I have our list of questions sitting by the phone, surrounded by pens if one happens to dry up mid-scribble. I was 100% ready for The Call. Every night after work I made a bee line for the answering machine to check for that ultimate message. When do we actually get The Call? At work! Where's my list? At home, of course. Dagnabbit!

As many of you know, I cannot go into detail about our case. We are even contractually obligated not to discuss specifics with family and close friends, as it is a matter of the children's privacy. Their protection physically and emotionally comes first.

What I can say at this point is, again, they are sisters, ages 2 and 4. My heart actually went out to their Mama, whom (at this point) I think is a very brave woman. We are scheduled to meet with the social workers, therapist and (I'm hoping) the current foster family for a "presentation" next week to hear in more detail the ins and outs of this case.

This evening I rewrote my notes taken during the phone call today (total chicken scratch that looks like I was writing with my feet) and we're putting together another list of questions for the meeting. Once it's over, we have 24 hours to decide if we think it's a manageable situation and a good match. If we do, the transition process begins. If we don't, we await the next call.

I'm still trying to wrap my little mind around the fact that total strangers with nothing more than an armload of information and a few pictures could morph into a family. Please keep us in your prayers!

Breathe in.. breathe out..

HOLY SCHNIKIES EVERYONE!

We got "The Call" and have a possible placement. Sisters (ages 2 and 4).

Will write more in a bit.. :o) !!!

I Get It..

I remember asking Mama what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She always replied, "A Mommy."

"No," I would persist, "before that. What did you want to BE? A doctor? A lawyer? A vet? A scientist? What?"

"Honey," she would always say, "I wanted to be a Mommy.. it's the most important job."

I would roll my eyes and think that was seriously the lamest answer ev-er. An important job changes lives. It can even save lives. It rocks worlds. It provides. It makes you feel like you've found your reason for being. It completes you. It is exciting. It makes a difference. It makes you someone that will never be forgotten.

Who da thunk she knew that all along. Sometimes the grand scheme of things is just inside your own front door.

I'm fortunate .. I got to eat my words and tell Mama (on more than one occasion) before she passed,

"You were right and I was so wrong."

She would just grin and relish the moment.

Future Rocker

I needed a laugh today, saw this and had to post it. Auntie Bren, this one is for you!

More Favorite Bloggers

Lori lives right here in Colorado and writes for several blogs (her own and as a contributing editor). One of my favorites is Drama 2B Mama that chronicled her journey through the lands of infertility then finally to their two private adoptions. Also, you can find her daily musings at Weebles Wobblog.

What's really cool is that Lori has a very close relationship with her daughter's birth mom (Crystal) and you can find her thoughts at Crystal's Way. As an adoptee, reading the birth mother's side of adoption is truly an inspiring insight.

Surf on over and show these great ladies some love!

Seek And Ye Shall Find

Our lives are highlighted by momentous occasions. It's funny how we can remember minute details from those important events. For example, I can easily recall exact moments with unbelievable clarity from our wedding day and when Mama passed away.. but please don't ask me what we had for dinner last night because I couldn't tell ya.

I will never forget the moment I finally received my non-id information from Los Angeles County. It had taken over a year of writing and rewriting letters of requests and dealing with all their red tape. I felt rather blase opening the envelope (the excitement had long worn away as I was sure it was yet another denial letter). My knees went weak when I discovered it to be the only piece of biological history I've ever known. It was a pretty huge moment.

I tried for several years to find my birth mother utilizing those wonderful Internet "search angels". They basically take all the info you have gathered and search for free. Unfortunately, I didn't have much information to begin with and what I think is my birth name is so common that no one was able to come up with anything.

I contacted a private investigator and they were more than happy to help.. to the tune of $3500.00 with no guarantees. Gulp. That was too big of a pill to swallow so I put my search on the back burner about 4 years ago.

In June of 2009 I will celebrate my 40th birthday. Four-tay. The Big Four Ohhh. Scary. I've decided to bite the bullet and make a few inquires with search agencies again. Well, I'm price checking at this point. The thought is to try to find my birth mom in time for my milestone birthday. If I can find a legit company that is reasonable I think I'll go for it.

I have no idea why this is on my heart all of a sudden. Something down deep inside is stirring away and I just can't ignore it. Maybe she's out there praying, maybe not. I do know I have to give it a whirl. We'll see.

It's not like I have anything else going on in my life right now anyway, right? ;o)

Will It Be Love At First Sight?

Probably not.

In my quest for adoption knowledge, I've learned there is a good chance when we meet our future child(ren) the Heavens won't part and angels most likely won't be singing. The fantasy of the Big Moment will probably be squashed into an awkward introduction at best.

That is a relief to know.

In "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother" Jana Wolff wrote it actually took her 8-9 months to fall "head over heels in love" with her adoptive son. She loved him and would have protected him no matter what but that "I will die for you" instinct took time to develop.

I am so grateful to the authors of books, blogs and web sites on adoption for their brutal honesty. Just the knowledge it may not be insta-love will probably save me months of wondering, "What is wrong with me? Where is that complete love I've heard all about??! Why am I not feeling those feelings? Am I just cold hearted? Maybe I'm not cut out for this Mommy Business.. " It's going to be hard enough being a first time mom, throwing in self doubt and feelings of major inadequacy sure won't help.

That's just one of the many crazy aspects of adoption. Strangers eventually morphing into a family. In this instant age we live in, I'm going to need to hammer into my pea brain that we will need patience and time to develop love and trust (and maybe a few batches of homemade chocolate chip cookies).

Kind Of A Call

J called to see how respite went on Saturday and to check in on how we were doing. She then asked how flexible my employers would be if, say, they were looking to place a newborn. The company I work for is family owned (my boss gave me away at our wedding) and they are as excited as we are about our adoption journey. That being said, I wouldn't be able to take an extended period of time off paid and we can't afford to lose a whole income (even with all the money the county sends us.. AH HA!). So, I had to decline.. It wasn't a shock to her as they know that our little ones will need to be in day care.

It doesn't hurt to ask, though!

A Great Meeting..

I'm happy to report, no speeding tickets were issued this evening and I made it with time to spare.

All the kiddos in attendance were with their fost/adopt families that are hoping to adopt them. What a wonderful group of kids. They all had a blast and it fun just to watch them having fun.

It was really cool to see a couple that we met during training in January. We all sat at the same table for those two very intense days and we really enjoyed getting to know them. They were certified in April and got their first placement a month ago (a darling little girl just shy of 2 years old). She is precious. They have a son that is 4 and they've got their hands full but are totally up for the challenge.

We had a big round table discussion (the speaker backed out) so it was a good time for everyone to chat about successes, failures and everything in between. I had nothing to contribute, of course, but they were all very kind and welcomed me into the fold.

At this point I think it's easy to lose steam and it was a total boost to meet everyone. They all reminded me to go with our gut instinct when we get "the call".. it needs to be the right situation and they will call again if we say, "No". Our training friends said no twice before getting the call on their little girl. It was a looong time before they got it and they were sure they were blacklisted. LOL.

Once we have a kiddo (or two) I have no doubt this wonderful group will be our lifeline. It's a pretty cool club. :o)

Parallel Lives Revisited?

Tomorrow night I am attending a monthly class being given by the county (my darling husband has a work related meeting so I'm flying solo). Although I am taking off an hour early from work I'll barely be making it by the seat of my pants. It's a 40 mile drive with a quickie stop by our house to care for our herd o' dogs. I will surely get stuck mercilessly behind the slowest drivers and hit every red light sequence. Road rage is more of a probability than a possibility and I will be drafting. Should be a hoot.

What I am looking forward to is the meeting itself. In attendance will be other certified fost/adopt and foster families. All are going for the required hours of independant study (we get 2 of the 3 hours needed monthly) and, I can imagine, it's a great time to learn something new, socialize and vent.

THE REALLY REALLY COOL part is that they provide child care in another part of the church during the discussion (social workers are on hand watching the kiddos). J told us that these meetings are going to be a primo opportunity not only for us to get to know the other parents but watch behaviours and meet the kids in foster care. If there is a child (or sibling group) that we are interested in, we can inquire about him/her/both.

Bottom line: I could very well be meeting our future child(ren) tomorrow night. How phenomenal and mind bending is that? I so wish DH could be there...

As per my Lilypie counter on the sidebar over yonder (--->), Tuesday will be 8 months and 2 weeks since we officially began our adoption journey. Legend has it (as per my Dear Auntie) Mama marveled that she met me just about 9 months after she and Dad started their process. She waited just like a Mommy carrying a baby waits. Could this be another case of us having parallel lives once again? I know the thought makes her smile down from Heaven. Time will tell..

The odds are good this is going to be yet another restless-can't-sleep-mind-spinning-tossing-turning kind of night.

Things I Learned Today

10) No matter how many expensive toys are spewed across the floor, a 2 year old considers the teal balloon to be, hands down, the most interesting.

9) You can play with said balloon for hours on end.

8) I can work in the yard all day and be exhausted that night. I can cook, chase kids, lay on the floor, coloring and talking for half a day and it's the same level of exhaustion.

7) At breakfast, you can pour maple syrup on anything and it will get eaten.

6) Little heads come ----> <---- close to fitting between the stair rails.

5) Gliding on a wood floor wearing socks is as fun as ice skating.

4) No, a 2 year old can't handle the glass of water by himself (no matter how adamant his 7 year old sister is that he can). It's best to go with your gut instincts.

3) The water drinker's drenched clothes dry much quicker using a hair dryer rather than the clothes dryer.

2) On most first attempts while eating spaghetti by hand, a 2 year old is capable of hitting every clean spot on his face, missing his mouth completely.

1) Children's joyful giggles and belly laughs are gifts from God to make grown ups relax and their hearts smile.

3 Kids + 6 Hours = 0 Bloodshed

WooHoo.. Sweet Relief!



I must admit, I had visions of crazy dancing in my head last night. The downright worst Super Nanny episodes ever flashed across my mind's eye. Screaming, hitting, cursing.. Kids Gone Wild Versus Cowering Adults. Would that be us?

I'm pleased to report, we had none of it.

Don't get me wrong, our family room looks like the Tasmanian Devil spun through. I've got spaghetti embedded in places I don't even want to know about and I'm certain missing pen caps, crayon pieces and other miscellaneous objects will end up choking my vacuum later on. Other than that, it was smooth sailing and a fun time.

The girls helped with breakfast, remarkably capable of cracking eggs without getting shells in the mix (not bad for a 5, 7 and a 39 year old if I do say so myself). They sat at the table for both breakfast and lunch like angels (DH quizzed the girls on math.. they loved that) and we held nice conversations. We had the normal sibling quarrelling but nothing I couldn't handle that prompted me to run into the closet and hide.

While I did dishes DH sat with them through a few cartoons and they laughed when he called it, "SquareBobSpongePants". Silly newbie. He noted that kid shows sure aren't what they were back in our day..

The 2 year old was all boy and took a few headers and spills (there were no scrapes.. I pray there's no bruising). Do they ever STOP? No. Thank goodness he was tough as nails.

I asked J how many hours of respite were required and she said, "No, it's not hours it's TIMES.. you are supposed to do it 3 times." Do 3 kids count as 3 times? Of course not (hey, we couldn't help but ask). I think they suckered us by scheduling easy, darling kids the first go round to boost our flailing egos. Now that we think we've got this kid-thing figured out, they'll lower the boom with a wild child (or two or...).

One Respite Down .. Two To Go!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Apparently not. If you do (and you were, say, anyone other than my husband) you would have heard me tell you last night that we had 3 (three, tres, two more than one) kiddos coming tomorrow morning. Not two children.. which he swears is what I told him. Um, no. Seriously, I wonder sometimes if I'm really the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons that is the "Wha wha wha" noise in the back round.

Oh well, can't say I don't suffer from selective hearing myself (but that's different.. that usually pertains to shopping).

Charity Event Reminder!

Hey All You Readers in Southern California!

Don't forget.. the Big Charity Event for the Terrill Boys is being held TOMORROW out in Rancho Cucamonga. My bestest friend Brenda will be manning our Precious Note table and there'll be wine tasting, food, music, raffles and more! It's tomorrow from 10am-2pm. I believe they will be annoucing the winner of the 1 hour phone consultation with Supernanny Jo Frost... it could be you!!

So grab a friend, hop in the car, hang out with Kadi, Cherish and Bren and give to a great cause!!

Dippin' Our Feet In The Kiddie Pool

Had a message tonight that a local family needs some respite care on Saturday morning. Basically, it's a foster family that needs a break and we babysit their kiddos (in this case, it's a grandma and grandpa-a kinship placement-that need a few hours in the morning to attend a class). So, from 8am-2pm we'll have a 2 year old boy and his 5 and 7 year old sisters hanging out with us. It's going to be a very different kind of morning here at the ole homestead. I'm sure they'll have us spinning.. but I'm still excited!

Hopefully we can tread long enough to keep our noses above water level.

Sometimes You Need Not Look Further..

.. Than Your Own Backyard...

I was very touched by the poem that I posted earlier. It hit the nail right on the head and really spoke right to my heart. I searched around for a few pictures on the web to post with it, but nothing really struck me as worth adding. So, I left it be.

Walking across the yard this evening, what did I see? A beautiful moon rising as the sun set into the Rockies behind me. I nodded to myself, smiling. Sometimes exactly what we search for is right here all along. It may not be as we pictured it (or planned it) but it's just what we need. All we have to do is take a quiet moment, stand still and look. I was grateful to God for that moment and wondered if our babies were looking up at beautiful clouds and moon this evening, too. I hugged them in my heart.

Then I ran like a crazy woman to the house to find the camera...

A Poem of Waiting

THE RISING MOON

As the moon begins to rise
I catch a glimpse of almond eyes
Staring back from outer space
The moon reflects your loving face.

My heart begins to yearn for you
A love down deep that grows so true
I see the moon throughout the night
My dreams of you are taking flight.

So when you look upon the moon
Please know that we will be there soon
I pray reflected in its light
Will be our love for you this night.

The moon must now complete its course
Let’s not regret and show remorse
It soon will rise and start anew
Reflecting love meant just for you.

Tom Fisher
© February 26, 2005

Recommended Reading

I continue my quest for truth and knowledge in this wild world of fost/adopt, devouring as many books as I can before we get "the call". I'm mixing it up with serious books on coping with the hard core realities of abuse and neglect and the light hearted, hope filled adoption stories.

I finished a wonderful little book this weekend called, "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother" by Jana Wolff. Unable to conceive, she and her husband adopted a newborn baby boy through a private agency. Among their challenges and fears was their choice to go with an open adoption and raising a child of a different race.

Her honesty was a breath of fresh air. It makes you laugh out loud, cry and was a real eye opener. I am going to speak to our facilitator about adding it to the county's recommended reading list.

Translate This..

I mentioned in an earlier post that J told us we're the only certified couple that is willing to take 2 kids. DH reiterated that we prefer one but if there was a chance siblings would be split up, we could take 2 (as long as they were manageable for us newbies). She went on to ask ("hypothetically speaking") if there was a darling 2 year old girl that had, say, a 4 year old brother that was a "bit of a handful" would we consider them? DH told her we would be willing to hear their information, ask all the questions we've got on stand by and if we felt comfortable with the resources we have available, we may give it a go (hypothetically, of course).

Hmmm..

This morning I surfed over to one of my daily must reads "My New Normal" and lo and behold, her post today hit me square in the gut. It's about what social workers say verses what they mean. You'll have to go and read it for yourself..

I can only imagine what "a bit of a handful" translates to here in reality.

Kadi's Supernanny Episode

For everyone that missed it last March, Cousin Kadi's episode reairs next Wednesday (August 13). Check your local listings and remember to show her some love over at her blog:
A Womb at the Inn(sane)

Holy Moly

The meeting tonight with J was great (her official title is a "Family Support Specialist"). She was as down to earth as she was in training last January and put us at ease over some fears that have come up. She asked to see where our bedroom would be in relationship to the children's so she got a quickie house tour (and was pleased, I'm relieved to report). Her job is to guide us through the waiting period to placement and, once there, we're handed off to the next social worker. Bummer.. I wish she was along with us for the rest of the ride.

Our next task is supposed to be respite care which is basically us baby sitting for foster parents. It gives them a break and us a chance to see how we cope with different behaviors and ages. She said to keep our minds and hearts open to all the kiddos. Apparently it's common for couples to reconsider their initial choices after they've met the kids. It's a great opportunity for us to realize first hand our true capabilities.

There's also a discussion/support group I've signed up for that meets once a month. We get some required credit hours for attending and get to meet some of the kids in the system as well as their foster parents. I think it'll be cool and look forward to it.

Come to find out, we are the ONLY couple recently certified that is willing to take sibs. Go figure!! Basically, we're the only ones that are completely nuts. No surprise there. DH reiterated we would prefer one but will take two (if we can manage them) so we don't separate siblings. She said our phone will be ringing sooner rather than later and gave us a list of additional questions to ask when we get "The Call". Although the Text Book Order of Things is to have us do our respite care first, it doesn't always work out that way...

Bottom Line: It's Showtime!

Another Day, Another Visit

No word from J, so I'm thinking our meeting at the house tonight is still a go. I'm getting off work a weee bit early to do a quickie tidy up before she arrives. I had a nightmare she did a white glove inspection and promptly revoked our club cards.

I'm hoping after our visit they will have a firm grasp of what we think we can and can not handle and some progress can be made. I'm getting antsy (ya, I know that's hard to tell). We have 2 rooms that I would LOVE to start decorating but not knowing ages, it's impossible (somewhere between 3 and under). I'm jumping to no conclusions. We've heard time and again from people that have gone through the process and preach, "Expect the unexpected"... One lovely gal we met went into it wanting a little girl that looked like her and her husband. They fell in love with 2 older boys (brothers) of a different race and couldn't imagine life without them.

SO, another glorious day on pins and needles. I don't know why I'm so worried .. it's probably being controlled by the powers that be that have me on edge. This gets fun when? ;o)

Goodbye Wine Country.. Hello Disneyland!

So our conversation has continued about rethinking future vacation itineraries and I mentioned the fact that a visit to Mickey and Minnie's is in the Top 5. My dear husband looked at me like I was speaking in tongues:

DH: "Huh?"
Me: "Disneyland.. hello? The Happiest Place on Earth" (Duh)
DH: "Ya, right."
M: "Wha..?"
DH: "Just because you were raised going 3 times a year doesn't mean we're going"
M: "Oh hell yes it does..." (are you kidding me?)
DH: "How much are passes now?"
*Granted, when I moved in 1990 the price had just been raised to $20/person and I freaked over that.. Now, it's like $80-$100 a person (GAG)*
M: "I dunno but you can't put a price on an experience of a lifetime..."

Apparantly you can.

Fine, I tell him.. Rather than make it a family roadtrip in the rv, I'll take the kids MYSELF, fly out, stay with Auntie and make a day of it with her, Bren, Kadi, Janice, all their kiddos (and anyone else that wants to come). Take THAT.

Fine.

Dammit..

I'm already fighting for the rights of our unknown children to hug on Eeyore, become Tom Saywer, sing along to "It's a Small World" and watch fireworks through 1/2 opened, exhausted eyes. I choose my battles carefully but on this I shall stand my ground. Come hell or high water, someday I will be posting a picture of our smiling family (including my beloved husband), wearing mouse ear hats with Sleeping Beauty's Castle in the back round.

If you can dream it, you can do it. ~ Walt Disney

Vacation Planning 101

Our last family trip this past spring with My Kiwi and Sissy In Law was to Napa for a visit with their Auntie. We had (what I consider) a once in a lifetime opportunity to have a private tour and wine tasting in the caves at Caldwell Vineyard. Auntie has been widowed for several years now and rents a room out to people she meets through church. Currently it's Barbara.. a Sommelier and Director of Hospitality and Marketing for the vineyard. She was as enthusiastic to teach us as we were to learn and it was a relief she didn't look down her nose at the goofiness that is us. She adores DH's and Missy's Aunt and was excited to host our amazing morning. We laughed, learned and had a wonderful time.

I'm proud to say, we no longer chug a lug... we swirl, volatilizing the esters (or -- to help us remember-- "violating Aunt Ester".. she was our kinda gal), we smell, we slurp (trying not to gag) and we breathe... using our senses and taking in all that it embodies. There is so much that goes into a bottle of wine and we came away with a newly found appreciation for the art of its making (not to mention, a pretty nice buzz).

This past Saturday evening as we sat over delicioso Mexican food after 9 holes of golf (that's not quite what I did but hack is such a harsh word), the four of us contemplated where our next vacation will be. Rather than fly, why not jump in our motorhome and be tourists in our own state? Colorado is chock full of beauty, points of interest and wineries.

Um, hello?

Our next family trip will most likely involve lugging diaper bags, strollers, and all kinds of other baby unmentionables I can't even wrap my childless mind around. Gone are the vacations of sleeping in, catching up on the books I've collected and relaxing. We're ushering in a whole new era .. I'm not sure what it holds but I doubt a wine tour is on the agenda. More like picnics by rivers, hikes through national forests and s'mores by a campfire.

Bless their hearts.. My Kiwi and Sissy in Law are still up for it..

Driving Miss Daisy

"What in the world are we thinking???" I wonder this on a daily basis.

I have had my heart crushed throughout my life, why invite it?? A lot of times I tempt fate and bring it on myself. Naive? Not really, just suffering from The Glass is Half Full Syndrome. I'm a believer in things bigger than me (my God) and that He has a Plan.

Call me Miss Daisy.. I'm in the back seat and He has the wheel. Things don't always go as I intended them but that's the exciting part of our road trip. We'll take a turn down a different road (completely unexpected) and blamo, we've embarked on a whole new adventure. Never in a million years could I have imagined the life I now lead, the wonderful husband and family I have, the job I go to and the beautiful home we live in. Not to mention all the amazing people I've met along the way. I can't describe it only to say it's beyond cool. Blessings everywhere.

That doesn't stop me from doubting my abilities to handle this daunting task. Everything from making the right decision on who gets placed with us, to taking care of them, loving them, dealing with the visitations with their birth parents and being at the bottom of the system's totem pole. Let's not forget the prospect of reunification.. the county's goal is to get them back with their family. Let me state for the record that, for now, I avoid movies like "Losing Isaiah" like the plague. How will I handle having to let go? The thought hangs in the back of my mind as a thick, brooding cloud. It robs some of the joy but we knew this going into it.

Society views foster parents as in it for the money (trust me when I say, you don't quit your day job because of your newly found income) and you really only hear the horror stories in the news. Locked in closets, starved, beaten and abused. How do they slip through? I don't know. What I do know is that birth parents get away with abuse for years but if there's even a hint of something amiss in a foster home out the children go, say goodbye to your certification.. and you could be charged with a felony. A FELONY. Did I mention some kids make false allegations? Ya.. scary.

So much can go wrong. Adding to our family is to enrich our lives, not ruin our marriage. There is so much at stake. I cling to the one thing I hear over and over.. we will never teach the children as much as they will teach us. If they do not stay a piece of our hearts will go with them and maybe.. just maybe we will make a positive difference in a little one's life. That's all we can ask.

Drive On...